“Please. Please can I just touch it for a while?” He pleaded.

“No! I don’t even know you!” I reply. 

“Ok. I’ll give you MY foot first to make it a fair exchange.” 

Before I knew it, this 6.2ft man had his Paul Smith-clad foot in my hand. I had no option but to marvel at his chutzpah. 

I slipped my shoe off. I can safely assume he liked my foot. He grabbed my face and kissed me.

(Note: my…

He’d just come back from London. It was 1998. He had a on a pair of Diesel Zathan’s, Nike Air Max, his Carharrt hoodie, Aigner fragrance he found in Venice, and a designer Toni & Guy haircut.

This was my metrosexual Belgian born boyfriend and I on our 3^rd date. My friends all teased me about his well-groomed coiffness.

Quiet and reserved, I had no idea if this man was still “in the wardrobe”.

And then we were driving,…

He walks past. I can smell that he’s wearing Creed ‘Silver Mountain Water’ (erm, I have a long and complicated relationship with fragrance), he has one blue eye and one brown, and he has headphones on.

Ah, I’m crushing. Again.

I am a serial crusher. It’s always on the same type of man. No, not always bearded- surprise surprise. It’s the illusion. The mystique. The suggestion of depth; where every little mundane detail Means Some…

We see it all the time. We have friends who’ve done it, hell, I’ve done it.

We’ve all ‘settled’.

Like rollerblading tipsy without kneepads, it all seemed like a good idea at the time, until someone got hurt.

Oh I understand the deep need for a spooning partner, a good bout of tonsil-hockey and someone to share a chocolate fondant with. (Share! Fondant! HA!) I am not insensitive to these primal urges. But that’s what gay husbands,…

“Ooooh. I want to get in your genes.”



My gay husband is very sexy, yes. But this sort of sexy talk, I was not expecting.

“Oh honey no, these old Seven For All Mankind? I got them on sale.” I say, blushing.

“No babe. I want your genes. The twirly DNA that make you you.”

OK.

I am not nearly drunk enough to be having this conversation.

So I crank up the sound system and we drive in silence,…

Monkey Do…

Posted in Dating, Fiction, …

“WHAT? Not even a smooch?”

GH (gay husband) is appalled by my lack of primal urges when I’m explaining my last date.

No babe, no. No smooch. No nada.

“But whyyyyyyy?” he just can’t believe me, since I refuse more and more dates nowadays, and therefore should be grateful and frothing about a date with a man who is not 1m shorter than me, and who doesn’t wear tie-dye.

I haven’t written a blog article in months. I started a blog as a self-therapy tool 2 years…

“I knew the minute I saw her. I was running, and I was concentrating. But she caught my eye, drew me like a magnet, and I had no choice… I had to know her. I had to find a way…”

I am on the edge of my seat, dying of excitement and anticipation. I am clutching my hands together, even though I know exactly how the story ends.

This is man I respect, someone devoid of bullshit, and that’s why this story is my new favourite.

“And then??? How did you do it?” I…

Just another typical girls night. Just another debrief with a fellow Monkey about life, love and shoes.

Conversation turns to some of our girlfriends, the ones who got sidetracked on the Love Highway with some, well, accidents.

We all have a right to make mistakes. Yes, some are bigger than others. And some keep repeating themselves like a bad steak and kidney pie.

Sea Monkey and I (aka Tree-swinging Monkey) made all our…

“Oh no, we understand. You like men. You just like them to look a certain way and behave a certain way… Bearded, musician, successful arty types who have a great relationship with their mothers.”

Gay male says with sarcasm dripping from every syllable.

Me: “But…Well, we all do, right?”

Beautiful 23 year old man: “It’s the female version of misogyny. Misanderism. The hatred or dislike of…

“No-one? I DON’T BELIEVE. You don’t fancy ANYone????”

Eeeeish. This girlfriend won’t give up without a fight.

No “oh no-one special” nonchalant shrugs. She wants the juicy goss.

So I risk it. The pathetic, gory truth.

“Well. YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE……” I look around my living room, expecting a paparazzo…

“I have liked the same person FOREVER”.

Girlfriend shuffles to…

He’s exactly every.single.thing I find attractive in a man. Which, should be illegal really, that much awesomeness.

We met a year ago and we’ve been doing some work together since then. In the early days, when I knew I was going to see him, I’d go to great lengths to prettify myself.

His huge manly hugs are second to none. I admit I may have looked forward to them more than is probably healthy.

And then, like real-life, reality comes…

So many times. So many times I’ve said to a friend: “He’s just not that into you.”

When the shoe’s on the other foot it ain’t so comfy, hey?

I am lucky enough to have male friends who keep it real.

“Cands… no. I’m sorry you dry-cleaned your Marilyn Monroe outfit and made your Engagement Chicken. He is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.”

Too real.

So I have a lovely friend who will henceforth be known as “Ho…

Available. Online. Awake. Had a bagel for breakfast. Last seen at 11:32am, crossing High Level Road, Sea Point.

So I recently downloaded WhatsApp so I could be in touch with my besties in China and Australia.

Only thing is, your whole bloody phonebook has it. And you have to see their stupid bloody statuses.

(By the way, confronting that your 80 year old landlord has it, huh??)

So I made the fatal error of messaging a…

We’re all so well-groomed for the behaviour. Social conditioning. Its in every bloody song and movie. People lie. People cheat. People can’t remain faithful.

Or not.

Maybe it’s the whole surge of Social Media. “Joe Smith is in a complicated relationship.” “Hey @marriedgirl, just saw @joesmith leaving Bungalow with @thatslut #wtf”

It’s just that we’re all so goddamn busy. Do we have time?? Or the bloody energy?? I’m…

“You don’t know me so this is going to sound really shallow. The reason why I’m single is because, based on previous heartbreak, I won’t date a man who earns less than me.”

I paused to absorb what the woman I’d just met had said. I completely and utterly agreed with her, and realised the taboo of admitting something that 90% of my girlfriends feel emphatically.

Why is it considered shallow to announce that you just won’t date a man who…