I’ve recently blogged about an Octopus Wingman. What about my experiences as a Wingwoman, you ask, pleadingly?


I am quite a little bit of a social butterfly. You know, especially near to pay day. I make an effort to mingle and meet new peeps, hoping that someone will share my penchant for good manners and have them join me on my Manner Mission.

One of my Eastern Capers has recently moved to Skaapstad, and, being the welcoming, embracing hostess that I am, I invited her out to a night on the town.


The girl is hot. Smoking. She’s also super intelligent, successful, and has no weird Obsessive Compulsive Disorders worth mentioning.


We’re sitting at dinner, chatting, la-di-da… and she asks, “So! How do you know Mr ABC*?” (*names withheld to protect the guilty) Without hesitation, I reply “Oh ABC!! Ah. Such a lovely guy. Outdoorsy, successful, amazing, miraculous, oh my god have you seen him dance, funny, blah blah blah. Why?” “Hmm. Nah… Um… Well… We kinda dated. You know, the first few dates, oh my gaaad he was so sweet. Chivalrous like. Anyway. We hooked up and then he just never called the next day!!” Me: stunned silence. Her: looking down, forlornly: “Yeah. I checked. I did give him my correct phone number.”


Uhhh. Hmm. That part about the ‘miraculous’?? Uh, ja, I was lying.


I mean. Really. I thought I knew this guy. Now what??


WHAT is wrong with men??? No really, WHAT???? I swear to God, if I slept with a man and he didn’t call me the next day, I would be setting his testiclé (plural) in a lovely cluster set diamond ring and offer it to the needy, pronto.


Of course, that night, I did what I would usually do. I took my gorgeous friend out for a razzle dazzle night on the town, and forbade her to speak to any men.


Thereafter, I sms’d Mr ABC and told him he was ugly and his jeans made him look fat.


To Mr ABC’s the Cape Town over: yes, of course not every hot, shamazing, intelligent, successful woman out there is going to be Your One. We get that. Be normal and just at least acknowledge the exchange of something, whatever. “You are lovely but I have claustrophobia”. “I really like you but I have a receding hairline”. “I think I could fall in love with you but my last girlfriend ate my heart for dessert”. What-friggen-ever. Come on dude. The world is full of assholes. God knows we don’t need any more.


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