“He told me he has self esteem issues from when he was in high school and wore thick glasses and had acne…”     

YAWN. Yeah girl but that was 18 years ago. And he had Lasik. And went on Roaccutane, started capoeira, became a photographer (vomit), and dated every single hussy in Cape Town in between.

GET OVER IT.

I’m really (REALLY) good at telling my friends how under par their love interests are.

I basically can’t stand it because I truly believe my friends should be treated like Lady Gaga wherever they go. (“WHAT?? He didn’t leave a trail of rose petals? Dump his ass”.)

And then something hilarious happened to me.

You may know it as “Karma”.

I was busy lecturing my divine girlf about her very under par love interest, whom I have grown to despise. We ended the conversation, and I was mumbling venomously to my cat how I believe she deserves better. Then my other friend popped around after work to hear about a date I went on with Much Hyped Man…

“Oh babez he was late. And then like, I wore Spanx and everything and he was so underdressed. I even wore my special R4,000 perfume. And then he had a friend join us?? Like Oh Em Gee, I thought it was a date. Anyhoo it was nice. Nice. Okay. We hugged. And I haven’t heard from him since. But that’s ok cos like he’s lank busy. And stuff”.

Yeah. I said those things. Those words, they ejected from my mouth. Slap me.

Then friend said “And I’m not allowed to date a man who didn’t open my door for me? Girl, you be tripping.”

Gasp.

Do as I say, don’t do as I do.

I really, really really should know better.

I usually do, unless there’s a beard involved.