So many times. So many times I’ve said to a friend: “He’s just not that into you.”

When the shoe’s on the other foot it ain’t so comfy, hey?

I am lucky enough to have male friends who keep it real.

“Cands… no. I’m sorry you dry-cleaned your Marilyn Monroe outfit and made your Engagement Chicken. He is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.”

Too real.

So I have a lovely friend who will henceforth be known as “Ho Monkey”. Don’t ask.

I’m all like ‘OMF I REALLY LIKE HIM YO. I WANNA DATE HIM HARD AND LOVE THE SHIT OUTTA HIM!! Ho Monkey, you gotta help meeeeeee’. HM is all like ‘K cool so now when you invited him out what did he say yo?’ I’m like ‘well he said yes and then made an excuse at the last second’.

HM: ‘Hmmmm.’ Ominous Hmm.

Me: ‘And like, it’s always me making the move…’

HM: ‘Oh no babe. You gotta move fast.’

Gulp. Ho Monkey starts laying out the plan. Do this say this wear this.

Because I have suddenly, very inconveniently fallen for someone, well, extremely inconvenient, all shiny hazel eyes, beautiful feet, outrageous creative talent and amaaaaaazing manners, for about 10 minutes HM’s plan sounded like a goer.

Somewhere in between the “wear that R1900 Chanel fragrance” and “do NOT wear your granny undies”, when HM was briefing me in exact detail how I should go about flirting with Dude… I just lost interest. “And then you gotta flick your hair, to the left. LEFT. And then give eye contact for 7 seconds. And then accidentally-on-purpose graze his knee with your hand… Candy are YOU LISTENING tooo meeee???!…”

Snore.

I’m too busy for this shit.

Plus… the more I think about it… seduction is all very well and fine, but you need an even playing field. A start. A nice clean astro-turf, if you will. I’m not convinced Dude even knows how to find me at this astro-turf. He’s still unfolding the map. (MEN. AND DIRECTIONS.)

I don’t want to have to do a Pythagoras equation just to have to seduce some guy. We’re overpopulated and the world is full of idiots, how can it be so hard to even get this Dude to take me for dinner??

I won’t run, or chase. I’ll step back and see the forest from the trees- flirtation, seduction and the whole tête-à-tête is best enjoyed between two equals who found their way to the field easily.