I missed out on the lunch where my kugel friends decided they’re all fat and need to lose weight.  Each one has put R 500 into a kitty.  Whoever loses 4 kgs, or more, by the end of October, gets the money. 

It’s Sandton’s Biggest Loser.

It started off with six women, until all the other fatties came out the fridge. Now there are a whole heap of them.  Not sure what to call them.  Blubbery Beauties. Greedy Goddesses.  Wallowing Women.

The prize money is substantial. But I am not allowed to be in this competition, even though I’m the only one who needs the cash.  My ‘friends’ say I cannot enter because I am already thin.

Of course I’m thin.  I wasn’t at the bloody lunch.

But I am a good friend and so I have chosen to be supportive.  I am the self appointed ‘Get Thin Mentor.’

We hang out, sipping cocktails and discussing calories.  I give them advice.

I suggest they skip the odd Sandton lunch or two.

They look at me as if I am completely mad.

I tell them that fat can be sexy.  That men like round, curvy, voluptuous women.  That men, in fact, just love large bottoms.  Enormous, huge, humongous ones.  Black, white, doesn’t matter, as long as they’re round and firm.

This does not go down well with a bunch of Sandton kugels.

They talk about a goal weight of 60 kgs.  I thought maybe they should fuck their way to 60 kgs, and they all loved this until two husbands died, so that idea had to be canned.

After the funerals, I sent messages of motivation.

Hello my lovely buncha beauties was replaced by ‘Hello my lovely buncha butterballs’

Meet me for tea became ‘Move away from the donuts…’

They didn’t like these messages very much.  In fact, they started being downright rude to me.

Talia calls me tit-less.

Michele, arse-less.

And my good friend Jamie calls me a tit-less, arse-less skinny bitch.

These are of course huge compliments.

I’ve decided to stop mentoring them.  Mainly because I learned that none of them will share the prize money with me.

Also, because they don’t really want my help.

So now I really am being a bitch.  At the ‘occasional breakfast’, they delicately spoon paw paw into their chubby cheeks, while I shove French toast with extra syrup, cream and strawberries into my mouth. 

i’m trying to tempt them.

They munch on apples while I eat croissants oozing, oozing, deliciously oozing, with thick, dark, runny chocolate.

They go to gym and I shop.  For Size Zero dresses.

I’m going out for dinner tonight (pasta), and I just tried the one dress on.

Pfft.

I can’t get the zip up. This may be backfiring.  I seem to be packing on the kilos.

Voluptuous can be very sexy.