Hot sweaty sex is on the decline in Jozi. Not surprising. Trying to work out the perfect time to “do it” has become tricky. The idea of an afternoon quickie is delicious, yet just as your partner is about to de-robe you, the doorbell goes. A broomseller. A beggar. The man with a long sob story about getting his wife to the hospital.  
So you try the nights. Excellent. Children in bed, soft lighting, the smell of bubble bath and candle wax. But the sounds of neighbourhood alarms, police sirens and the odd gun shot, are a bit of a turn off.  
Early mornings could be a good idea. Power cuts are common at this time, so the alarms and electric fences are all out of action. Except now you are too shattered, from checking out noises, slamming security doors and checking for burglars. Not a good time for sex. 
 Creativity kicks in, and you think about the back seat of your car. Maybe. A bit uncomfortable, yet exciting. But the damn car guards are everywhere, even in the deepest and darkest of alleys. For R 5 they watch your car, and could also watch the windows steaming over. Not so sexy.  
Movie theatres maybe? Choose an x rated movie, book tickets for the back row, wait for the movie to start. The problem here is not privacy.  It's space - everyone else has this idea too - and sex isn’t so intimate with three other couples panting in close proximity.  
So how can you get inventive? Ask your neighbours to field your doorbell and unexpected visitors? Not my neighbours, they are constantly getting robbed! Move to another country? But then you are too stressed to even think about sex. Virtual sex, hmmmm, I think I could have hit on something here….