"Oh my gaaaad, did you notice? When he said he only wears Leather Oud, I knew. I knew he was a Cancerian.”

“And!! He was so cagey and private. So Cancerian.”

“What are you two chicks talking about? I knew he was a Cancerian when I saw he had no socks on.”

Guy friend: “WHAT?!!! You girls are so lame. I’m wearing B.O, I’m as open as a book, and as you can see I’m wearing socks with my shoes. AND! I am a Cancerian.” Tut tut he mutters. He’s feeling repressed and generalised as a human being, he says.

Well, you can’t please everyone all of the time.

Least of all those bloody Cancerians and their hyper-sensitivity, dammit.

I always get it right when I play “guess the starsign”. At least once out of 12 options.

I think it’s wonderful to be sceptical. I do. It’s a valuable male trait- “babe…… but evvvvvveryone’s wearing fuschia snakeskin!!!”. “I don’t care. It makes you look like a suntanned pregnant anaconda.”

The only thing is… well… I know it’s terribly repressive and generalising… but. Eons of horoscope following can’t be wrong for a reason. What else reduces kings and columnists alike to plan their haircuts and business openings?

I’ve dated a bazillion Taureans. I haven’t even KNOWN they were until after a few dates so stop looking at me like that! Anyway. They have all been lovely. And stubborn. And over-confident. And sincerely believe that all women find them irresistible.

I dated a Capricorn for a very long time. It’s true that they have the sex drive of a refrigerator and the spontaneity of a brick of frozen margarine. They will however make up for that with being early for the opening of an envelope and have a sensible answer for everything.

My Scorpio ex was amazing. For a while. Then it became embarrassing when daily life was just, well, ho-hum reality and not the matter of the next Twilight saga. I mean really. No-one expects there to be red wine and chocolates every bloody day of the week, do they?

And Libran men will always cheat on you.

Pisceans are about as level-headed as a ship on stormy seas.

So that narrows it down for me quite neatly. You may be my soulmate as long as you’re an Aries, Gemini or Sagittarius.

Until then, keep wearing your Dad’s boots without socks and see which Librans, Aquarians or Virgos find you attractive.