Just another typical girls night. Just another debrief with a fellow Monkey about life, love and shoes.

Conversation turns to some of our girlfriends, the ones who got sidetracked on the Love Highway with some, well, accidents.

We all have a right to make mistakes. Yes, some are bigger than others. And some keep repeating themselves like a bad steak and kidney pie.

Sea Monkey and I (aka Tree-swinging Monkey) made all our…

“Oh no, we understand. You like men. You just like them to look a certain way and behave a certain way… Bearded, musician, successful arty types who have a great relationship with their mothers.”

Gay male says with sarcasm dripping from every syllable.

Me: “But…Well, we all do, right?”

Beautiful 23 year old man: “It’s the female version of misogyny. Misanderism. The hatred or dislike of…

“No-one? I DON’T BELIEVE. You don’t fancy ANYone????”

Eeeeish. This girlfriend won’t give up without a fight.

No “oh no-one special” nonchalant shrugs. She wants the juicy goss.

So I risk it. The pathetic, gory truth.

“Well. YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE……” I look around my living room, expecting a paparazzo…

“I have liked the same person FOREVER”.

Girlfriend shuffles to…

He’s exactly every.single.thing I find attractive in a man. Which, should be illegal really, that much awesomeness.

We met a year ago and we’ve been doing some work together since then. In the early days, when I knew I was going to see him, I’d go to great lengths to prettify myself.

His huge manly hugs are second to none. I admit I may have looked forward to them more than is probably healthy.

And then, like real-life, reality comes…

So many times. So many times I’ve said to a friend: “He’s just not that into you.”

When the shoe’s on the other foot it ain’t so comfy, hey?

I am lucky enough to have male friends who keep it real.

“Cands… no. I’m sorry you dry-cleaned your Marilyn Monroe outfit and made your Engagement Chicken. He is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.”

Too real.

So I have a lovely friend who will henceforth be known as “Ho…

We’re all so well-groomed for the behaviour. Social conditioning. Its in every bloody song and movie. People lie. People cheat. People can’t remain faithful.

Or not.

Maybe it’s the whole surge of Social Media. “Joe Smith is in a complicated relationship.” “Hey @marriedgirl, just saw @joesmith leaving Bungalow with @thatslut #wtf”

It’s just that we’re all so goddamn busy. Do we have time?? Or the bloody energy?? I’m…

“You don’t know me so this is going to sound really shallow. The reason why I’m single is because, based on previous heartbreak, I won’t date a man who earns less than me.”

I paused to absorb what the woman I’d just met had said. I completely and utterly agreed with her, and realised the taboo of admitting something that 90% of my girlfriends feel emphatically.

Why is it considered shallow to announce that you just won’t date a man who…

"Oh my gaaaad, did you notice? When he said he only wears Leather Oud, I knew. I knew he was a Cancerian.”

“And!! He was so cagey and private. So Cancerian.”

“What are you two chicks talking about? I knew he was a Cancerian when I saw he had no socks on.”

Guy friend: “WHAT?!!! You girls are so lame. I’m wearing B.O, I’m as open as a book, and as you can see I’m wearing socks with my shoes. AND! I am a…

“Hi yes, I can talk. I’m just busy making my bed, putting on my warpaint, getting dressed and making a high protein no carb breakfast… Yes- tonight sounds great. I just need to attend a jewellery auction, post a blog and sell something on Etsy from 17h00 to 18h00, but from then, I’m all yours.”

Hi, my name is Candy.

I don’t have ADHD, nor do I have an Adderall addiction.

I am a Version 2.011.02.08.…

We all have a ‘type’. My friends are so predictable, when they tell me they met someone, I already know what they look like before I meet them.

Friend A and her fetish for gym bunnies with shaved heads, Friend B with her fetish for men with large, handsome, bulging wallets, and Friend C and her fetish for muso’s who wear beanies. I can pretty much choose boys for them from a catalogue.

Me? I am the WORST most sickeningly predictable of all.

Every single one of the men…

“What do you mean, you ‘aren’t lonely’??” Mouth in a very “O” shape, Guy Friend exclaims over a bucket of beers.

Oh darl, I pray every day that you will find your Mr Right” says friend. *insert sound of screeching record* I’m sorry, what? When was the God Intervention? Dang, did I sleep late again?

Please save your prayers. I’m sure God has more important things to worry about. Libya, Zimbabwe, Uitenhage’s fashion crisis… to name but a few.

Being patronised to that extent should be punishable by law.

Law wielding a blue permanent tattoo…

“But he was so loooooovely, dude. He wore his special Paul Smith fragrance on our first date, he was funny, generous and *sigh* dude he was just soooooo lovely…”

Guy friend: “Wait. Was this before or AFTER he called the waitress a cow?”

Me: *sheepish* “Before.”

GF: “And was this before or after you walked out the restaurant because he was rude?”

Me: *irritated* “Before.”

GF: *smug Cheshire Cat grin*…

For all intensive purposes, I am a rural lass. A lot of my childhood was spent playing in long grass, minding the snakes, and running with the dogs in the opposite direction of where the baboons were.

Time spent between farms and the beach just aren’t the same without big, blustery, rascally canines.

This is the same for everyone, right?

Wrong. Dating and Dogs. Not the homosapien type. I used to think I’d never date a guy…

You’re losing control: your face is looking a bit Munster-ish, your tongue isn’t polishing off those vowels quite as desired, and… well… people are starting to stare.

Dating Under the Influence. It should be a felony.

I’ve always loved my alcoholic beverages. I think it’s something to do with my Scottish heritage (or, at least, that’s what generations of us have blamed it on).

A Muslim best friend of mine…

So it’s been a looooooong time since I’ve actually liked someone. Sure, I’ve had my interest piqued a few times. Until, A) they’ve divulged their stamp-collecting obsession, B) they’ve voiced their desires to travel to Phuket and have gender reassignment surgery or C) all of the above.

I’m not so much the desperado type. I’m so busy that I’d seriously consider cloning myself, and I’m happy being single. Really happy.

Luckily that comes…

Style is largely subjective. Aside from white leather, pleather, real fur, and Crocs, right?

Wrong. As one celebrity said- “One woman’s leopard print is another woman’s poison”. (OK I totally just made that up.)

So, I’ve been a serial monogamist like, foreeeeveeeer. Being in 3 “biggy” relationships from the age of 15 to 30, I’ve been somewhat sheltered, you could say. Sheltered from all the men with bad hair, gold neckchains, canary yellow…

OK. I get that it’s Cape Town, all the Euro’s have left for the winter, the biological clock started ticking, and there’s maybe a little pressure from the parentals to have kids.

But that is absolutely NO excuse to try steal a girl’s man from under her perfectly proportioned nose.

I recently had my first experience with the Boy Snatcher. We were acquaintances, had many things in common, and she didn’t seem to be a bit freaky and twisted.…

It’s old hat- a man dating a younger woman. It’s like, as common as hearing Kings of Leon on the radio.

But a 30 year old woman dating a guy younger than her… Well, let’s see. I’m not “old” enough to be a sugar mommy and trawl the gyms for young stallions…

This ‘life timeline’ grey area makes it weird.

I’ve dated men older than me. Conversation’s great for a while… “so tell me what it was like to serve in the Army?”…… “ice…